Nationalities
Top Ten Reasons for being a Serb:
1. You are not a Croat.
2. Basketball team.
3. You can choose between several war criminals in Presidential elections.
4. You can enjoy the positive media coverage of your country when abroad.
5. You can fight 600 year-old battles against the Turks and their domestic
collaborators,
be convinced that it’s happening right now, and not be entirely wrong.
6. You can always go to Greece and Cyprus and fear nothing.
7. Grilled meat and slivovitz.
8. You get to drink slivovitz and eat grilled meat even when under economic
sanctions.
9. You are the only European country which was bombed by NATO.
10.Every now and then you get to fly to the Hague at someone else’s expense.
Top ten reasons for being a Croat:
1. You’re not a Serb
2. Soccer team.
3. You get to pretend that your language is different from Serbian, although it’s
really not.
4. Dubrovnik.
5. You get to dream about independent Croatia.
6. Every now and then you get to sing "Danke, Danke,Deutschland," and continue
to dream about independent Croatia.
7. You have a thousand-year culture of which no one has heard.
8. You have a democratically elected President who is not ashamed of being a
Croat.
9. The glorious World War Two past.
10.You have a thousand-year culture….
Top ten reasons for being Bosnian:
1. You can get asylum anywhere except in Serbia.
2. You can pretend that your state exists.
3. Kebab.
4. You can pretend that Sarajevo is a really cosmopolitan European city when you
know that it is not.
5. Great kebab.
6. You can be visited by Francois Mitterand, Bernard Henry-Levy,Susan Sontag, and
Bill Clinton and it still doesn’t make a difference.
7. Free round-trip to any Moslem country.
8. You get to be bombed by a psychiatrist.
9. You can fly your flag in the UN but nowhere else.
10.Foreigners give you money and don’t ask any questions.
Top ten reasons for being Slovenian:
1. You can speak the beautiful Slovene language and know that no one cares
except you.
2. You can feel superior to all former Yugoslavs.
3. You can drink after work.
4. You can pretend to live on the "sunny side of the Alps," although you
know it’s not that sunny.
5. You can pretend that you are as good as any German while secretly enjoying
the fact that you are a Slav.
6. Good relations with Italy and Austria.
7. You can afford to be Yugo-nostalgic.
8. You can marry a Slovene and have Slovene children who speak Slovene.
9. You don’t have to be ashamed when abroad.
10.No one bothers you because no one really cares.
Top ten reasons for being Macedonian:
1. You can call yourself Macedonian and not get killed by a Bulgarian, Greek,
Serb or Albanian.
2. Fresh tomatoes, watermelon and tobacco.
3. You can pretend you are a descendant of Alexander the Great and piss
off the Greeks.
4. You get to be sad and suffer while listening to folk music.
5. Good relations with your neighbors, especially Greeks and Albanians.
6. American soldiers on your territory.
7. You get to call your country The Former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia.
8. Fresh tomatoes, watermelon, and tobacco.
9. You can successfully pretend your language is not Bulgarian.
10.Everyone is interested in the stability of your country
except your neighbors.
Top ten reasons for being Montenegrin:
1. You can be proud of your heroic past and not being conquered by the Turks for
500 years.
2. You can sing epic songs about your heroic past and not being conquered by the
Turks for 500 years.
3. You can think of Russia as your Mother, although Russia does not know you are
her son.
4. You can combine orthodoxy with Stalinism with love of Russia and still think
that you are better and more progressive than the Serbs.
5. Goat cheese, grilled lamb, and grappa.
6. You get to kill at least one person in a vendetta and defend your honor.
7. If you are a woman you can kill your husband and e
7. If you are a woman you can kill your husband and everyone knows why
you did it.
8. You can smuggle cigarettes to Italy and live like a king.
9. You don’t have to work even when you have to.
10.You don’t have to work….
Top ten reasons for being Albanian:
1. You can always swim to Italy.
2. You can choose between a president who stole your whole income, one who
killed all your relatives, or go fight the Serbs in Kosovo.
3. You can be proud of being from "the land of the eagle."
4. You can always swim to Italy.
5. You can take weapons from any army garrison and defend your honor.
6. You can get killed in a vendetta and be remembered as the
hero of the family.
7. You get to be called the poorest country in Europe.
8. You can live in the ecologically cleanest country in Europe.
9. You can always swim to Italy
10.You are proud of being "from the land of the eagle."
Top ten reasons for being a Yugoslav:
1. You can be proud that you are neither a Serb, nor a Croat, nor a Slovene, nor
a Bosnian, nor a Macedonian, nor Montenegrin, nor an Albanian, although you
are one or more of the above.
2. You don’t have to feel bad about being "Yugo-nostalgic".
3. You can have a husband/wife from any part of Yugoslavia and still
feel like the country never fell apart, especially if you are abroad.
4. You get to listen to Serbian, Croatian, Bosnian, Slovenian, Macedonian,
Montenegrin, and even Albanian music and feel that it’s quite OK.
5. You don’t have to be ashamed of your Titoist past.
6. You can sing Partisan songs from World War Two or rock-and-roll from the
1980’s.
7. You get to be cosmopolitan and spit on all the nationalists.
8. You get to be researched by foreign sociologists interested in your identity.
9. You are invited to speak about Yugoslavia at conferences abroad.
10.You are a good candidate for a Soros stipend.
Impotencija problem današnjice
Dolazi žena kod doktora.
ONA:- "Doktore, patim od impotencije. Što da radim ?"
Dr: – "Kako patiš? Pa ti si žensko."
ONA:- "Ma muž boluje, a ja patim."
[lol] [embarass] [kiss] [lol]
Predizborna šutnja
– Što je predizborna šutnja?
– Jedini dan kad političari ne lažu!
[lol] [angry] [lol] [thumbsup]
Treba mislit na sport i zdravlje, a ne samo na novac.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hKGW6_uhE0k
Naravno treba nešto i prezalogajit!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AxyfUOeCJ0c
[bye] [smiley] [lol] [thumbsup] [thumbsup] [lol]
Plavuša i križaljka
Kako plavuša riješava križaljku?
1. Telefonski poziv (3 slova)- ZVR
2. Vrsta životinje sa kućicom (3 slova)- PAS
3. Nije gladan (3 slova)- JEO
4. Ženin brat (5 slova)- JOSIP
5. Neizlječiva bolest (4 slova)- SMRT
6. Dio pribora za jelo (3 slova)- ZUB
7. Kokošji proizvod (4 slova)- JUHA
8. Mjera za težinu (4 slova)- UTEG
9. Zajednica muškarca i žene (4 slova)- STAN
10.Morski greben (2 slova)- MG
11.Mužjak vrane (6 slova)- VRANAC
12.Inicijali pjesnika Jesenjina (2slova)- PJ
13.Stanovnik Tirane (7 slova)- TIRANIN
14.Doživljaj prije spavanja (3 slova)- SEX
15.Dio kupatila (4 slova)- VODA
16.Žensko dijete (3 slova)- ONA
[lol] [thumbsup] [lol]
Pita učiteljica djecu šta je najbrže na svijetu. Mali Nikola kaže :
– METAK
Učiteljica kaže:
-dobro, metak je brz, ali nije najbrži.
Mali štreber Slaviša kaže:
-svjetlost.
Bravo, kaže učiteljica.
Mala Marica romantičarka kaže:
-misao je brža od svjetlosti.:
Bravo, Marice
A mali Perica kaže:
-moj tata je još brži !
Kako to ? – pita učiteljica..:
– čuo sam kad je rekao mami. "Svršio sam brže nego što sam mislio" !
[wink]
I draga djeco ako ikada budete imali problema sa nesanicom ,..nemojte nikad piti tablete za spavanje…to vam je jaako opasno ,..kaže učiteljica djeci.,….recite mami da vam skuha kamilicu ili uzmite neko drugo prirodno sredstvo ..
…može li papar ?? pita mali Ivica …
..ma daj Ivica ,..kakav papar [shocked]..čudi se učiteljica ..
..pa znate ,..moj tata uvijek kaže mami kad idemo spavati …..daj dušo da ti ga zapaprim ..
pa čemo slađe spavati… [smiley] [lol]
Moral i kapital
18-godisnja djevojka se povjeri majci i reče joj da
joj menstruacija, kasni već dva mjeseca. Vrlo
zabrinuta majka odlazi u ljekarnu kupiti test za
trudnoću i rezultat pokazuje, da je trudna. Viče,
proklinje, plače…kuku-lele!
– "Tko je ta svinja, želim znati !! Smjesta reci ocu!"
Kad je napokon ostala sama, djevojka obavi telefonski
razgovor i pola sata kasnije nov-novcati Ferrari se
zaustavi ispred njihove kuće. Iz njega izlazi zreo
gospodin, obučen u vrlo skupo odijelo i ulazi u kuću.
Sjeda u dnevnom boravku s roditeljima i djevojkom i
kaže im:
– "Dobar dan, vaša me kći informirala o problemu. Istina Ja
se ne mogu oženiti sa njom zbog moje osobne obiteljske
situacije, ali mogu preuzeti odgovornost i poduzeti
nešto.
Evo našto sam spreman.
Ako se rodi djevojčica, prepisat ću joj 3 super marketa,
2 udobna apartmana, vilu na moru i bankovni
račun sa 500.000 €.
Ako se rodi dječak dobit će :
2 tvornice uz 500.000 €. Ako se rode blizanci svaki od
njih će dobiti tvornicu i 250.000 €.
A ako kojim slučajem dođe do pobačaja žao mi je ……."
U tom trenutku otac, koji je šutio cijelo vrijeme, prekide ga,
stavi ruku čovjeku na rame i reče:
– " Prijatelju samo ti nju j..bi i dalje….!"
[embarass] [angry] [lol] [lol]
KK KLUB i članarina
Došao starčić od sedamdeset i tri godine na nudističku plažu.
Pošto se želio učlaniti, a članarina je skupa, uprava plaže mu je rekla da besplatno provede jedan dan i da se nakon toga odluči želi li ipak postati član.
I tako, ide on okolo, vidi puno lijepih djevojaka (koje nije vidio desetljećima uživo), uzbudi se, priđe jednoj, ona ga odvede u neki grmić i oni odmaah i obave stvar.
Šeta on dalje, sav sretan i prpošan, kadli mu padne cigareta na pod. Dok se sagibao da ju digne, osjeti da ga je netko zguzio.
Na kraju dana dođe u direkciju plaže, ispriča što mu se sve dogodilo i kaže da se ipak neće učlaniti.
– "Pa dobro, zašto se nećete učlaniti, zar vam se ne sviđa što možete imati lijepe i mlade žene svaki put kad vam se digne?"
– "E, sinko, u mojoj dobi se uzbudim jednom u tri mjeseca, a cigareta mi padne iz ruku barem pet puta dnevno."
[embarass] [embarass] [angry] [lol]
Malo humora u subotu nikada nije škodilo. Svi mi više manje imamo šefove koji nam idu na onu stvar. koji su dosadni, nesposobni… uglavnom izazviaju nam bolne frustracije, stresove i ostala patogena stanja našeg uma, duše i tijela.
Evo jedna šala da se sva ta stanja i osječajimalo razvodne:
Dobar šef
– uvijek kasni sa podjelom radnih zadataka. Nikad to ne radi ujutro. Njemu je zgodnije pričekati do negdje 14,00 sati, to je super za radnike, roblje ili kako već, dead line ( kraj radnog vremena )
– ima običaj uletjeti u ofis svakih 10 minutada bi se raspitao kako napreduje posao. To je itekako motivirajuće za zaposlene, posebno kad vam počne puhati za vrat sa svojim savjetima… koji su by the way sheat
– odlazi iz ofisa a da nikome ne kaže gdje je. Zaposlenicima to daje nevjerojatnu snagu i kreatovnost u smišljanju milion odgovora kada stranke pitaju gdje je ON, jel se tu uopće radi, kad se vraća…
– često daje za napraviti više različitih poslova a ne kaže koji je prioritetan ( nikada ). Pa dobar šef cijeni telepatske sposobnosti kod svojim robova.
– kada nije zadovoljan sa učinjenim, jasno i ( vrlo ) glasno to kaže. Podređeni naprosto obožavaju javno ponižavanje, omalovažavanje koje ih dovodi na vrhove tjednih trač listi u uredima i firmi..
– posebne naputke u svezi nekog posla gotovo nikada ne zapisuje. Štoviše, ljubimorno ih čuva za sebe, pa radnike ionako nije dobro zbunjivati korisnim informacijama…
– je dobar i prijazan prema radnicima kada rade na nečemu o čemu ovisi njegovo DUPEEEE i cjelokupna šefovska karijera…..
– naprosto zatrpava radnike sa svojim životnim problemima. Oni strašno vole slušati o tuđim brigama, a posebno o bezobrazno velikim porezima što je šefu odrezan na veliku menađersku nagradu… veliku plaću, dividendu ili što god. Oni svojih brga nemaju, a porez je zanemariv na njihova primanja…
– uvjek čega godišnja izvješćai procjene učinka svojih radnika i tek onda im objašnjava što su njihovi pravi ciljevi i koje su rezultate trebali postići. Naravno da ih nakon toga nagradi smanjenjem plaće za iznos ukupnog povećanja troškova života u tekućoj godini.. PA ONI IONAKO NISU TU RADI NOVCA…
Eto, meni to ustvari i ne izgleda kao šala, ali ako vaš šef odgovara na više od 30% napisanog… onda imate " PRAVOG " šefa u p.m.
Pozdrav svima, ugodan vikend…..
[lol] [thumbsup] [lol] [rolleyes] [wink]